The holidays are a time of year filled with copious amounts of food, traditions, and are often riddled with body image pitfalls. It's a time of year where our eating habits are on display and our bodies along with it. How much weight have we gained or lost since we last saw everyone? For some reason commenting on someones weight seems to be the first thing most people will say, even before, "How are you?".
This is a topic near and dear to my heart because I've lived the whole of my life as an overweight person. I've lost upwards of 75 lbs twice in my adult life. And I've weathered many unwelcome comments about my body. I started this blog to chronicle the journey I've found towards health and part of that is healing my relationship with food and body image.
I am still a fat person, after a 75 lb weight loss. I am the weight I was as a college freshman, the same weight as when I met my husband at 22. This is a weight my body knows and feels comfortable in. My weight does not equal my health nor does it change the way I feel about myself. It has taken so many years to get to this place. A place of thankfulness for all my body does. I am strong. I can easily carry my 30# toddler in one arm for long distances if need be. My body accomplishes feats every day that I am both proud of and in awe. My lungs never stop breathing, my heart keeps beating, my bones support my frame, my body creates milk to nourish my son and my eyes take in the sights all around me. I am so thankful for my body and all it does.
All of this and yet, the first thing most people will say to me after this long year back to health is , "Wow, you have lost weight, you look so good!" Let me put it this way, in the inverse situation, when I was 75 lbs heavier, not one person would say, "Wow, you've gained so much weight, you look good." This may seem like a silly thing for me to point out, right? But it isn't at all. In our society, we give praise and acceptance conditionally, based on ones appearance, namely ones thinness. We do NOT praise or accept those that are fat and especially do not praise their bodies. We encourage them to get off the couch and "work those pounds off", or to "know when to put the fork down." We accept them when they lose weight and ignore them or worse push them to change when they are doing anything but actively try to change their appearance. This is wrong and deeply damaging.
Our acceptance of another human being should not be based on the condition of appearance, period. I was the exact same person 75 lbs heavier that I am today. However, today I experience things I never did heavier. Things like, having a door held open for me, strangers engage in conversation, and praise, so much praise for my appearance. There are others that lose weight that don't have weight to lose and are suffering from dangerous eating disorders that deprive their bodies of nourishment. To these suffering individuals, we hand out the same compliments, reinforcing their disease.
Losing weight is the holy grail of acceptance. This mentality is a sickness. Our focus should not be on weight or the presence of "thigh gap", but rather, on creating health in our bodies, our hearts, our spirits. Our worth is not determined by the size or shape of your body.
Whether or not you've lost or gained weight this year, it should not be on the docket of conversation at the dinner table next week. I hope that with more people speaking about fat shaming and size acceptance, we can begin to heal this festering wound felt by far too many. I've come up with a list of questions that do not involve appearance that can help with the transition.
Example: a relative or friend you haven't seen in a while walks into the room and you notice they have lost/gained a substantial amount of weight.
"I haven't seen you in so long! How have you been?"
"I'm so happy to see you, it's been too long. Are you still living at such and such place? How do you like it?"
"I've missed you! What is new? Tell me everything."
You get the drift? Ask engaging, non judgmental and unconditional questions. It's pretty simple really, just takes a shift in attitude.
Now for those of you that may be on the receiving end.
Example: a relative or friend you haven't seen in a while comments on how well you look since losing weight.
Your response:
"We haven't seen each other in so long. Yes I am well." -short and sweet
"Yes it's been awhile. I' feel great!"
"It's been too long! I look differently this year right?! Same awesome person though!" - feisty
If you are in a situation where you have to deal with people commenting on weight gain or suggestions for weight loss, I highly suggest reading Ragen's blog,
Dances with Fat. I began healing my body image issues with her blog.
I hope this has given you some food for thought and perhaps some courage. Let's celebrate healthier attitudes to all bodies this holiday season! What are some ways that you cope with the holidays? Have any suggestions to add?